Archive | August, 2012

Patriots Pre-Season Post

8 Aug

First of all, I apologize to Captain Farrell for abandoning my responsibility for over a year – it was shameful on my part.  Now, on to the purpose of this post.  As any of you who may fall remotely near our target audience already know, it is nearly football season, which means that in addition to renewing my vows of loyalty to Tom Brady and Bill Belichick (I’m not really kidding) and preparing new Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation-like vitrioloc rants about Rex Ryan, the Jets organization in general, the Giants, the Giants D-Line, Darrelle Revis, Antonio Crowmartie, the Cowboys (spoiler alert: In my Cowboys rants, Leon Lett, and Michael Irvin still make an appearance.  So do the coke and strippers), Tony Romo, Rob Ryan and whatever he is hiding in his stomach, Cris Collinsworth, the oh-so obviously Canadian Tracy Wolfson, and of course, Mark Sanchez (and probably the Yankees as well – just for good measure).

You see, for the Capt. and I, football season is equal parts joy and spite.  We want the Patriots to win more than anything, but our combined dislike for the Jets, the Giants, most of the Cowboys, for me New Orleans (why has no one asked Drew Brees about the bounty scandal – and how did he not take any flak for it as a leader with the players union?) and also the entire Baltimore Ravens organization, makes it pretty much equal parts rooting for, and rooting against.  Now, before you judge and say that our rooting against is wrong or immature, think of it this way – I can watch almost any game of the season now, and have a vested interest in one team – even if it means that I am rooting for the Cleveland Browns twice yearly to beat the Ravens.  (as an aside, one of my classmates uncle’s just bought the Browns for a cool billion that he made from the family business – I had no idea he was in that stratosphere of wealth, which is a compliment to him)

Ok, now that we have established a list of teams I love, (The Patriots) and those I love to seee lose (Jets, Giants, Ravens, Cowboys, NBC Sports, and the Saints) we can move on to my grossly over-optimistic season preview of New England’s season.  You see, the reason I am confident in my gross over-confidence is simple: we have Tom Brady, and he could make me an all-pro reciever.  Also, Belichick actually drafted for some defensive players this year.   My keys to victory this season: #1) Hold opponants under 35 points.  #2) Give Tom Brady the football and a decent pocket. (a second aside – one of my grad-school classmates, incidenntally the largest man I have ever been friends with, just signed as an OT with the Pats – he’s a beast, and I hope he makes it through camp!)  Prediction: I won’t jinx it with a prediction – who do you think I am, Rex Ryan?

Other self-evident observations around the league:  1) Aaron Rodgers will sign a contract this year that makes Brady look poor (even with Gisele’s money)  2) The Superbowl halftime show will be someone who is 20 years too old to perform and who has three songs I like, of which they will sing a severely truncated medley, followed by an awful rap performance by a b list rapper at best, who will inevitably do something offensive while on stage.  I think I speak for everyone (yes, everyone) when I say, please, for the love, just bring back U2 and let them do whatever they want.  In fact, sell a franchise to Bono – he’s got money to burn, and he makes everything more cool.  The Edge could be his GM.  Think about it: they survived living in Northern Ireland in the 70s, who could out-negotiate them?  Drew Rosenhaus would be putty in their hands, especially if Bono wore his sunglasses to the negotiation.  3) The Bears will underperform, yet EVERY commentator will say that Lovie Smith is one of the best coaches in the league (hint: unless Jesus is coaching, no one is going to win with Jay Cutler slinging it every week)  4) Tony Romo will choke – did I even need to write that? 5)  Alex Smith will be a mediocre qb with a super-human defense that makes it to the NFC championship again, but still can’t score touchdowns 6) Jim Schwartz will have an aneurism (or die in a locker-room gunfight – I am giving either even odds right now) 7) Ben Roethlisberger will get hurt, and play through it, get hurt again, and still won’t learn to fall down when he is supposed to.  8) At some point Redskins fans are going to compare RGIII to Cam Newton and ruin it for everyone.  9) Cam Newton will remain a pompous ass.  10) Eli will surpass Peyton in the all-important starring-in-commercials-revenue statistic  11) Jealous of all the attention other players are getting, Mark Sanchez willl do something, anything really, to get into the NY tabloids – my preseason favorite scenario includes A-Rod, two or three former “a list” actresses, and some kind of traffic and/or club accident in, let’s say, October.  12) In that vein, Sanchez will be acting out because Tebow will be the starter by week 6 at the latest.  13) In a desperate attempt to engender divine favor, Woody Johnson will rename the new Meadowlands stadium Bethlehem on Jets homegames (for Giants weeks it will alternately be known by Woody as Soddom and Gomorrah.)  14) Tim Tebow will sell more jerseys than Adrian “I swear I didn’t punch a cop aat 2:30 a.m. in the club” Petersen (even if you didn’t, why were you there?  Rehab starts early in the morning!)  15) The Oakland Raiders will remain irrelevant, and without Al Davis to talk about, they will now get even less airtime than they used to.  16) Someone – probably the Cowboys – will panic, fire their coach, and offerr Bill Cowher $10 million per year to come out of retirement.  17) Tony Dungy will contradict Rodney Harrison, and Rodney will instantly change his opinion at least once a week this season.  18) Dan Patrick will finally just give in and fall asleep on set this year after looking like he has wanted to for two years.  19)  Toyota will produce another really crappy sponsorship video segment for NBC.  20) The Dolphins will still be terrible – Jake Long will wonder if $50 million was worth it.  21) Andrew Luck will lose ROTY to RGIII by a slim margin because the Colts are going 2-14, at best.  22) Jimmy Haslam is going to wake up sometime in September and say, “I just spent a billion dollars on the Browns? The Browns!?! I knew I shouldn’t have gone drinking with Lerner again.”  23) Roger Goodell, will exercise unprecedented authority and players will tweet about it because they don’t like to keep their paychecks.  24) At some point Andrew Luck is going to get hit so hard, he poops on the field.  Finally, 25)  Rex Ryan will regain his 100 pounds by December thanks to stress eating and multiple day fuzzy naval and foot-video binges while hiding in his office from Bart Scott who has threatened to “go all Ray-Lewis on him.”

My dark horse predictions: 1) At some point Howie Long is going to regret never killing Terry Bradshaw when he had the chance on the field, and will try end him during a live studio broadcast. 2) Shannon Sharpe will say fewer than 5 intelligible phrases this season.  Only two of them will concern football.  3) Wes Welker will actually get paid.  4) Mark Sanchez will endorse Nathan’s Hotdogs as his “favorite gametime snack!”  5) Mike Ditka will run for mayor of Chicago, the Chicago River will be clean once again, Jay Cutler will be traded to the Lions, and Northwestern will be relevant in the Big 10 again.

There will be more to come, but for now, I think that’s enough. I’m out like Mark Sanchez come week 6,